The rod of Santa Claus


Berlin is a liberal city.

"Live and let live", said Frederick the Great many years ago, and this has become established as a kind of motto for the city. This is evident in many aspects of Berlin life. One of them is the free expression of sexuality. Growing up in Bulgaria, I was not used to see men holding hands or grabbing each other's butts and kissing in public or even getting married. In Berlin this is quite normal. Sometimes I wonder if the number of gay men in this city exceeds the number of heteros here. In Berlin a few years ago, the mayor used to say in public: "I am gay”, and that is good. In Bulgaria such a statement would probably cost a high-ranking politician his position.

When I received a pre-Christmas offer from the student employment agency, I had no idea that I would come into contact with this world. This telephone conversation went as usual. The mother told me the name of the child Harald. She told me that her son's best friend in kindergarten was called Hans and that his hamster was called Helmut. Her son should go to bed early in the future and learn to brush his teeth alone. I diligently wrote everything down in my Golden Book, from which I read when I visited the families as Santa.

It was the day before Xmas eve and my first booking that year. I was supposed to be there at 7pm. Some families ordered Santa Claus on the 23rd to be able to determine the time of the gift-giving themselves. The client's house was far away and I had to take the S-Bahn.where I did not want to travel dressed as Santa. I asked my customer whether I could put on my Santa Claus costume in the stairwell of her building.

"No problem at all," replied the polite lady's voice.

"We have very friendly neighbours and you could change your clothes at their place in peace and quiet. I`ll make sure that they are informed and believe me, they will be happy when Santa Claus comes by!"

It was cold and dark in Berlin. The streets were deserted. I had my Santa suit, the beard, a white wig and the Golden Book with me in my gift bag. Twenty minutes before my performance as Santa I was already in the front of the house of a renovated old building.

I rang the neighbours´ doorbell. A man in his late fifties, who looked bit like an over polite ‘tomcat’ , opened the door. He wore a yellow bathrobe and looked as relaxed and as if he had been lying in the bathtub for a long time.

"Oh, how long have we been waiting for you, my dear Santa Claus," he greeted me and invited me in.

"Thank you," I replied matter-of-factly, but I didn't know why he had been waiting for me. After all, I had been booked by the family across the hall.

"Please come in! Just come in! Take off your thick winter coat quickly. Oh, let me help you! You look beautiful! Big and muscular, that's just how I imagine a real Santa Claus."

"Thank you, thank you!" I said. I knew that one should respond to compliments with "thank you". At the same time, I was a little freaked out by how this old man with the mischievous look and the slightly satisfied smile on his face was showering me with compliments.

I looked around the apartment and first discovered a chandelier in the shape of a male member. It was at least sixty centimetres tall and hung loosely in the middle of the living room ceiling. It consisted of three lamps. Two symbolized the balls and the third the willy. Suddenly I felt a big hand on my shoulder. It came from behind. As long as it was my shoulder and not my butt, I was willing to accept it. I turned around quickly. The lamp was not the only thing in the roo'all lit up'!

"May I introduce you to my friend? This is Lorenzo!"

Lorenzo must have been twenty years younger. He resembled a Greek Godsculpture. He was 185 cm tall and looked like he spent most of his time at the gym.

He had a full beard and a buttoned-up white shirt that showed off a large part of his clean-shaven upper body. . The scent of his perfume was sweet, and he had applied a lot of it too.

Under my feet I felt something soft. I looked down at a beautiful carpet. On it were indeed figures from antiquity times . Naked male figures, which touched each other. I knew that there was a pronounced phallic cult in Greco-Roman antiquity. Perhaps Lorenzo was a Greek. According to his name and outward appearance, maybe he was more of an Italian, but that was none of my business. I had to collect my thoughts, concentrate and prepare myself for the neighbour´s child.

"May we offer you a whiskey, cognac or perhaps a glass of champagne," the old cat asked in a festive voice.

"Thank you – But I must change quickly to go to your neighbours home."

"That can wait, dear Santa Claus! Everything in life has its own time! It is not every day that Santa Claus himself comes to visit us, and we have to celebrate," said the old man and opened a bottle of champagne.

"That's nice of you, but I really don't have time. Your neighbour's child is waiting for me," I repeated.

The old man seemed to have heard that and poured three glasses of champagne.

"We have waited a long time for such a Christmas surprise," he said and handed

a glass to me.

I took the glass and put it on the table without drinking anything.

"What else will I experience as Santa Claus?" I asked myself.

This job allowed me to walk into the homes of complete strangers and be part of their lives for a few minutes. These were people with whom I would most likely never have come into contact with otherwise. On the one hand, I felt that this was an enrichment. On the other hand I had to see how much I wanted to be involved in these other lives. Many families ordered Santa Claus in the hope of replacing a lack of harmony. Many children got far too many gifts. The parents, stressed out by their business life, wanted to compensate for their lack of attention. There had already been a single mother who after my appearance as Santa for her child, had invited me to stay longer for a beer and now this gay couple offered me champagne.

To work as Santa Claus, you had to go through a training course organized by the employment office of my university. One of the rules was that Santa was not allowed to accept alcoholic beverages from the families, because a drunk Santa Claus would not come across as serious with the children.

"Can I change here at your place?" I repeated my question.

"But of course, dear Santa Claus - you are welcome to change with a glass of champagne," the old man replied and smiled at me.

"We would like to watch you change, if you don't mind," he added and sat down on a large sofa with Lorenzo.

"Gentlemen, I was booked as Santa Claus for your neighbours' child and not for a striptease show here at your flat," I wanted to explain to the two of them, but I had to be cool and look professional. I noticed the rainbow colours of the curtains. The two of them bumped into each other, gave each other a short, juicy French kiss and looked at me expectantly.

Although I had heard that Santa Claus was a popular figure in the gay scene and offered a scope for erotic dreams, I had never experienced this in my professional life as Santa Claus.

If I continued to be polite, I would not make it in time for my job.

The old man lit a few candles on the table and turned off the light.

"I'm not going to change in front of you," I said determinedly.

Any further politeness on my part could be misunderstood at that moment. Both looked at me without saying a word and did not move. I now spoke in a louder and more determined tone:

"If you do not leave the room now, I will go into the stairwell to change in peace and then tell your neighbour everything! I mean it!"

Now I had to find clear words and let actions follow. I took a few steps towards the door.  That seemed to work.

"Stay! Relax and stay here, dear Santa Claus! Just as you like," said the ‘cat’ with a sigh and gave a sign to Lorenzo that they should leave the room.

"But I don't understand why you can't have a little fun. After all, it is Christmas time, and we should not forget that it is the celebration of love..."

Lorenzo got up without saying a word. I was not sure if he knew German. That was not important either. What was important was that the two men left the living room and then I quickly put on the Santa outfit.

Never before had I changed so quickly during my Santa Claus performances. I adjusted my beard, put on my red hat low enough to hide my eyebrows, and made my way out. Lorenzo and the ‘cat’ stood in the dim light of the corridor and looked at me in silence. The cat was still wearing his yellow bathrobe and Lorenzo was still wearing his white buttoned-up shirt. The corridor was about three meters long and no more than one meter wide.I had to squeeze past them to get outside.

"Close your eyes and go through," I said to myself and walked boldly forward.

"If you would like to finish your bottle of champagne with us after your performance at the neighbour's house , you are very welcome, dear Santa Claus!” said the old cat and continued with a soft whisper in my ear "Keep the costume on - we could all have a lot of fun together."

"Be good, dear children, so that Santa Claus comes to you again next year," I answered in a loud, changed voice and with all the authority of Santa Claus, and opened the door.

"I don't want to be good," said Lorenzo for the first time. His voice was deep and felt like glue.

"If you are not good Santa Claus will return again next year with the rod," I said in an attempt to be funny.

"I would like to test Santa's rod," Lorenzo replied and forcefully grabbed the cat’s bum.

"Enjoy the festival of love, dear children! Merry Christmas," I said goodbye with a Santa Claus voice and closed the door behind me as quickly as I could.

I took in a deep breath in. One thing was clear to me: after my appearance at the neighbours' house I would leave this building in no time. After all, Santa Claus wants to keep his virginity even in a city like Berlin.

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